my internet's been buggering up

along with little time meaning i havent had the chance to write.

So...this week...

Well i met up with Rob again at Grace's house on monday and had loads of fun, then sat on one of those swinging seats in the garden watching a little fire we made. i'm starting to quite like him now.

I saw Emily on wed/thurs/friday. It was just planned for her to come over but she came out for a meal with my family, then slept over, then next night i helped her babysit, so i kinda spent 2+days with her constantly. By the end she was starting to get on my nerves but it was still good to finally spend some time with her. I missed us just hanging out and talking about random shite. On saturday morning she had to go on a practice walk for this Nepal trip she's going on. It's organised by youth services and it's free for her. As i'm being totally honest here and noone's gonna read it...i'm still jealous of her. i dont often get the chance to go abroad, and if i do it's only in Europe. She goes away so much and to places really far away and she never seemed that grateful to be offered this chance. She doesn't enjoy walking that much either, and i love it. i go out with my dad quite a lot and spend days walking around the countryside. i had to get up at 5:30 cos she had to be there at school (10 mins away) and she spent ages getting ready. Her mum wasn't going to get up, so i walked home then was stuck outside until 8 cos my front door was locked and i didnt want to wake my parents.

But...in general, it was a good week, kind of boring at times, but still good

Oh yeah, another thing, i cut i made(which was the first time in like 1 months, which is good) has healed super duper fast in time for my holiday next week!(even though noone would see it anyway)

i had a good day yesterday : )

i went to Reading with grace and her friend Rob(who i didnt know ) We saw pirates of the carribean 2. I've seen it once before so i was was warning grace about all the jumpy bits :P. We stay through all the credits that went on forever cos i was told there was a bit at the end, which was actually just about 3 secs long. but it was funny sitting in the cinema with noone else except cleaner just watching shit loads of credits.

We ended up spending ages in burger king while waiting for our train. i was going to go home but im glad i stayed. we went back to Grace's house. We spent about 3 hours sitting in the garden talking about loads of random stuff including that Rob went on the last concorde flight and i remember watching it fly over my house. We then spent a few hours sitting in her room with loads of candles on and matches, then decided to get the candles to float but we had no water, so we used cranberry juice instead, T'was kind of eerie cos it had gone dark, rob's freaky music was playing and the only light was a few candles floating in a bowl of red liquid. i went home at 10 when rob had to catch his train back. i liked him, not in a fancy kind of way, but he was really fun. he reminded me of another person i know called Adam.

it was just one of those days when even though you dont do anything that special but you jsut have so much fun spending time with your friend(s)

Abortion.

i had to do a discussion thing about abortion in my English class and it's something i feel quite strongly about.

Firstly Abortion is basically murder. The heartbeat is used to define death. If this was to be applied to defining life, a baby would be alive at about 18 days into the pregnancy. By which time the heart is already formed and beating and there is blood running through it's veins and arteries. Many women wouldn't even know they were pregnant and hardly any abortions are carried out at this time. Meaning most abortions ARE killing an innocent child, who has done nothing wrong and not even had the chance to live. A fetus's DNA and that of a fully grown human is indistinguishable showing that a baby is a person.

Babies/fetuses can feel pain. Poking a fully grown adult with a pin and a baby in the womb causes the same reaction. Pain is also shown my the increase in fetal movement and the speed of it's heartbeat. Having an abortion not only can cause major psychological damage to the mother but is also very painful to the baby.

Abortions are legal up until the end of the 24th week in pregnancy(6 months) but a baby who is born at 23 weeks can survive to live a happy life. i don't know how someone can be willing to kill their own child at this time when there is the option of putting them up for adoption. They'd have to live with the guilt for the rest of their lives. Not only killing but depriving a couple who would give up so much to have that oppourtunity to raise and nuture a child.

There is also physical risks for women of having abortions including a perforated uterus/bowel/bladder, septic shock, infertility and death. At this point i think i should state that if there is an extreme circumstances, like go ahead with the pregnancy would cause serious medical harm to mother/child or rape etc, i do sometimes agree with abortion but these cases account for less than 1% of abortions.

Having an abortion means you are depriving a vunerable and defenceless person from having a happy enjoyable life. People should take responsibilty for their actions. If you get pregnant when you're not ready you should do what's best for your child after all it's not their fault, IT'S YOURS.

friends

friends can be so annoying can't they? Yeah, people always say i couldn't live without my friends, blah blah blah. most of the time i agree but sometimes they just get on my nerves. and doesn't it feel so crappy when you get ditched by a couple of them? I don't do that to them now, cos i'm not an arse like that. I did it once or twice a few years back and they totally blew up, so what gives them the right to do it to me and except me not to care. is there different 'rules' for different people. how can that be called a friendship, shouldnt we put equal amounts in and get equal out of it?
hmmm... i'm gonna ponder over this for a while...

*virtual slap to emily and grace* why am i still putting up and being your friends, i have many other people to hang with and yet i always forgive...even for losing my guitar etc...

P.S phew, this blog/diary whatever actually helps loads!

welcome...

so...i'm not exactly sure what to write, but here goes...

i've always started diaries and stuff but ended up losing them or not bothering to write. I spend loads of time on the computer so it seemed like a good idea to start up something online. I haven't told any friends or whatever about this, it's just kind of my personal space to get all those feelings out that are normally bundled up inside. Doing it online also means noone is going to find it in my room and find anything, which seems to make it alot easier to write everything down.

Basically, i seem to have an amazing life on the outside, and yeah i do. i'm very lucky, not that i'm rich or anything like that, but i have a great family most of the time and i'm nearly always at the top of my class. But that's kind of the problem, my whole life i've always been the best and got top, at my old school i was head girl, prefect, and best exam results. i've gotten use to that and now coming top is just normal, i dont get pleased about it or excited. it also means i can never do better or good, so i never really get praise or anything, it's just excepted. Now there is someone who does better than me, she's popular, clever and everyone loves her. in some classes she comes top and im not use to being second. this may be coming out like im spoilt or stuck up or whatever, but i really cant help the way i feel. im happy for her that shes doing well, but i dont know how to act or cope. and i can't talk to anyone about it cos you can hopefully imagine what it would sound like. I'm really struggling with coursework and other shite and i can't ask for any help as im just expected to know it and be perfect. All i think i really want is for some one to just once say 'well done' to me, but that's probably never going to happen.

Abotu october time last year, i also started self'harming, not cos of above, just i felt so down and didn't(and dont) know why. i never cut myself(i hate blood) but scratched my arm repeatedly until the top layers skin started coming off(kind of like a bad carpet burn), the next day it would scab up like a normal cut. but it scars really badly and my arms and other places have got quite bad scars on them. By about january i realised that this wasnt helping and have been trying to stop. The main thing that encouraged(not sure if that's the right word) was that i was going on holiday in august and didnt want to walk around in a bikini where everyone would see it. i did manage to cut down quite a lot but when i get upset or angry the urge to do it is so strong i am basically fighting myself. im going to that holiday in two weeks and none of the scars have faded. I always make up excuses like i hit my arm on the door or i fell over and everyone believes me. cos 'i have a great life and i'd never end up doing that would i?'

Noone at all knows about any of this...