welcome...

so...i'm not exactly sure what to write, but here goes...

i've always started diaries and stuff but ended up losing them or not bothering to write. I spend loads of time on the computer so it seemed like a good idea to start up something online. I haven't told any friends or whatever about this, it's just kind of my personal space to get all those feelings out that are normally bundled up inside. Doing it online also means noone is going to find it in my room and find anything, which seems to make it alot easier to write everything down.

Basically, i seem to have an amazing life on the outside, and yeah i do. i'm very lucky, not that i'm rich or anything like that, but i have a great family most of the time and i'm nearly always at the top of my class. But that's kind of the problem, my whole life i've always been the best and got top, at my old school i was head girl, prefect, and best exam results. i've gotten use to that and now coming top is just normal, i dont get pleased about it or excited. it also means i can never do better or good, so i never really get praise or anything, it's just excepted. Now there is someone who does better than me, she's popular, clever and everyone loves her. in some classes she comes top and im not use to being second. this may be coming out like im spoilt or stuck up or whatever, but i really cant help the way i feel. im happy for her that shes doing well, but i dont know how to act or cope. and i can't talk to anyone about it cos you can hopefully imagine what it would sound like. I'm really struggling with coursework and other shite and i can't ask for any help as im just expected to know it and be perfect. All i think i really want is for some one to just once say 'well done' to me, but that's probably never going to happen.

Abotu october time last year, i also started self'harming, not cos of above, just i felt so down and didn't(and dont) know why. i never cut myself(i hate blood) but scratched my arm repeatedly until the top layers skin started coming off(kind of like a bad carpet burn), the next day it would scab up like a normal cut. but it scars really badly and my arms and other places have got quite bad scars on them. By about january i realised that this wasnt helping and have been trying to stop. The main thing that encouraged(not sure if that's the right word) was that i was going on holiday in august and didnt want to walk around in a bikini where everyone would see it. i did manage to cut down quite a lot but when i get upset or angry the urge to do it is so strong i am basically fighting myself. im going to that holiday in two weeks and none of the scars have faded. I always make up excuses like i hit my arm on the door or i fell over and everyone believes me. cos 'i have a great life and i'd never end up doing that would i?'

Noone at all knows about any of this...