At college now...

hey all,
it's been forever since i've posted! had an ok summer, GCSE results went well so ive started my A-levels.

So... what to complain about. hmmm... the classic asshole 'friends' it seems like!

I dont know... i though that as soon as we started college everyone would drift apart and make new friends, but that hasnt happened at all. It's all exactly the same, Ryder (where we all spent breaks) has just changed to Ranson.

It was my 17th about 2 weeks ago, and it's amazing how noone cared. I didnt expect them to make a big deal of course, just a happy birthday would be nice. And Emily, who i've been spending £20 on for her bdays hasnt even given me a card for the past 2 years. It was such a struggle to organise a small meal out in the evening cos hardly anyone would come and it turned out crap anyway. We all sat round the table and everyone else looked depressed, then 2 people has an arguement so everyone was whispreing etc.

I got a few cards but laods of people didnt bother at all. even nic who had had her birthday about a month earliar and i gave her at least a tenner and a cool card, but she didn even say happy birthday.

On tuesday i honesetly forgot to go to debating society and even though everytime on of my friends doesnt turn up we put their name on the register so that they dont get a big red absent mark(which will go on their reference) none of them even bothered to remember me! So now i have a absent even though ive onyl missed one and others who have missed loads have perfect attendance :( Just shows how much they really care.

Only 2 years i will definetly be rid of them, i dont see us all going to the same uni!

To be honest, the only friend who isnt an ass, is probably maggie/andy. They're not my closest friends but they always stick to their word as far as i know... She's trying to cheer me up on MSN now! haha.

1 more week of school

I've been looking forward to moving on to college for ages now, but now it's here i really dont wnat to leave. All of my friends are crying and stuff cos we're going and making videos with pictures of fun times saying 'we'll always be friends...etc'. But i know we'll lose contact so fast, it happened when i left primary school and since im doing totally different subjects to most peopls it'll be even harder. The whole atmosphere is really depressed, so it's really getting me down.

i also have my exams starting on Tuesday and i've done basically no revision so im panicking about that. I'm no way going to get my predicted grades so i just hope i still get into college :(.

ok, i really feel like this is the onyl palce i can talk now. I always use to chat on the No doubt forum, not to talk about no doubt just random stuff, like ranting and getting advice. I have over 4000 posts and it was really good, until all of a sudden Grace has decided it's cool and started constantly posting/looking on it. Now i feel like i cant say anything without her seeing adn tellinge veryone or butting into a convo im having with someone else saying 'OOOO yeaaaa, i know wat ya mean em k'ssssss. like you remember wat happened @ school?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!.

Lil G


gah, it's so annoying, it kind of feels like she's taking a new toy or something? if that makes any sense. At school she talks about it aswell. THe whole point i joined the forum is because i dont know the people and i felt i could start over new, and i could tell them things without them judging. Now with grace there it's all gone because it's part of my 'real' life...

And, to be totally honest. I started scratching myself again, i stooped for ages but then stupid friend stuff got on top of me and i couldnt exactly burst out ini tears in lesson, so i kind of jsut did that to take my mind off it. Once i started again it's really hard to stop.

Loads of my friends have also started getting really intersted in having parties and getting it on with the other sex. i dont know why it changed so suddenly but i dont feel like im on the same wavelength as them. For example holly and nic were never that intersted and now nic spends most of her time making out with pete or whoever it is at the time. Emily spends most of her time with steve making out and 'more' which she hasnt told me aobut and is making a massive deal of. Then decided to blame me for rumours that were going around about them when i promised i wouldnt say anything. i think it's all been sorted now(it was grace m) but i'm pissed that emily would jump to conclusion so wuick that it must have been me.

I know i may talk aobut a boy being nice every now and then, but everyone's gone sex and party mad (not that our parties are ever that intersting) . I walked out of the last one cos Matt was a fucktard and started calling me fat etc (im 110 pounds) so i slapped him and left at 10ish.

I#ve got my GCSE's soon, and french next week :O i havent done any revision yet as i keep getting distracted, so im beginning to panic about them.

Anyway, talk soon :)

i swear i could just smack grace right now

She's being so bloody selfish. Well today we were meant to be going into Reading to get her present to Maggie( the only reason we were going in was for her!). I got up early, got ready etc, and was just about to leave when she texts saying i cant be bothered anymoe. So i try phoning her/texting her and she doesnt reply. I end up managing to get hold of her through the home phone and it turns out she isnt even dressed (it's 11) and has decided she just doesnt feel like it and that she'll probably jsut go into Camberley later. Way to ruin my plans, i was meant to be going to Bournemouth with my mum/ brother cos he's going back to Uni, but said i couldnt cos i promised grace i'd go into Reading with her.

It's not only this. Last week our school did the annual show thing. I went on Wednesday with Emily, Pete, Steve, etc(and had loads of fun) but also went on Thursday cos i mentioned to Grace that i might be abel to go with her and she was pissed that i'd gone with Emily (wtf?) anyway, she was meant to be dropped over my house so we could walk up to school together. I'm not meant to go out in the dark on my own. 10 mins before she is meant to arrive, she texts me saying she cant be bothered to get dropped over my house and has gone straight to school. i was home alone and had no other way of getting there except walking so had to go on my own. Some guy ended up walking behind me and totally freaked me out so i started running. i got out of the alleyway but unfourtuanetly my mum was driving home and saw me walking towards school. So she got angry. When i got there i told Grace and she didnt even seem to care. That's the thing about her, she thinks of noone but herself!
yes, emily can be annoyig but at least she cares about me, she'd never leave me like that and when i told her on friday she said that i should've called her and she'd walk up with me.

Snow day

uh huh... school's closed today cos of the snow (even though it is only like an inch)

it's only 12:30 and im already wishing school didnt shut.

1. emily came round to help me build a snowman :/ so we had a snowball fight then went indoors to warm up. She started complaining she was bored and went upstairs to my computer(without asking i may add) and spent about half an hour checking her emails and bebo sending messages like 'hey dude how are you?' to random people. Everytime i said shall we do something she said nah...then went home cos she said she was bored grrrrr.....tis her own fucking fault. That's why emily annoys me so much it isnt a big thing but it's bloody annoying.

Anyway gracey should be coming over at about 3 so it'll get better then. I should be trying to catch up on some homework/coursework now since i've got an extra day off.

Snow day

uh huh... school's closed today cos of the snow (even though it is only like an inch)

it's only 12:30 and im already wishing school didnt shut.

1. emily came round to help me build a snowman :/ so we had a snowball fight then went indoors to warm up. She started complaining she was bored and went upstairs to my computer(without asking i may add) and spent about half an hour checking her emails and bebo sending messages like 'hey dude how are you?' to random people. Everytime i said shall we do something she said nah...then went home cos she said she was bored grrrrr.....tis her own fucking fault. That's why emily annoys me so much it isnt a big thing but it's bloody annoying.

Anyway gracey should be coming over at about 3 so it'll get better then. I should be trying to catch up on some homework/coursework now since i've got an extra day off.

Gracey's out of hospital

She went in on monday last week (8th) She had really bad stomach pains in school adn i took her to medical later that evening her parents tok her into A&E. Turns out her intestines had got a kink int hem so everything had got blocked and it had started expanding etc. SHe had qite a major operation to sort it out. I went to see her Thursday straight after school, Saturady, aSunday and Tuesday. i got quite behind on my homework and other commitments. I took her in all of my DVD's (like 80 hours worth) to keep ehr enetertained lol! and my new wicked book which i ahvent had the chance to read yet.

Anyway the thing i'll rant about today. Margaret one of ours/grace's other friends kept amking excuses to not go in and visit. I offered her lifts there and back, and grace was obviously upset she wouldn't come. It seems like noone else bothered to put any effort in(i spent loads of time int he hospital with her, took her things in, got a card signed for her from shti loads of people) while i did. It seems kinda unfair if ya get me. Now grace is out she's trying to catch up with a few other people and i knda feel pushed to the sidelines. Im sure she doesnt mean it after all she's seen loads of me and she probably wants to talk to s0ome other faces. However i cant help feeling a bit unwanted. LOL, this sounds so emo-ish.

But...good news... urrrrr i got 2 awards at the evening thing, business studies and science. Turns out i got the highest score in the module tests, which im quite pleased with. Thoguh my mum annoyed me by complaing about it being long and she walked up to me and took me out like half way through. She was the one who wanted to go in the first place!!!

Got 2 go and catch up on all my homework :O
Byeee

So... the year ends.

Well, it's New year's eve and i'm sitting at home, writing here and blocking any sound by having loud music playing on my mp3 player.

I'm not sure wheter it's been a good or bad year but i suppose i learnt alot. I got over that self harm(i hate using that term) thing, hopefully. though... i really want to do it but now i'm resisting. I think i also learnt my most important lesson in High School. hide your feelings. It might sound weird, we're always being told to be open and to to bottle things up. But afterall, who wants to be with a sad person? If i truly showed how i was feeling all the time noone would want to hang out with me! Just put on a smily face and act like everything's perfectly fine.

Ok, good things. the friendship thing has definetly sorted itself out. I'm not really close to Emily anymore. well not close at all. But me and grace seem to have got alot closer. It kinda started when Emily got back form Nepal, i knew i didnt need her anymroe and by struggling to stay friends i was just making things worse. Once i'd totally let go of her( she went over and followed holly and Nic around and after a while they settled into a kind of threesome) there was less pressure as such on mine and grace's friendship. She's been really great and although i couldnt tell her everytihng(like stuff i say on here) i feel like i can be a bit mroe open.

We went to see wicked on Dec 20th and it was amazing!!! omg, i loved it sooo much and i'm desperate to see it again. i've been annoying the whole family by telling the the (rather complex) story over and over again :P. Unfortunatley my body decided to ruin the morning/afternoon shopping. My period started and i had such bad cramps i could hardly walk and i felt like i was gonna faint. We went and sat on the floor in macdonalds for ages waiting for it to pass or the paracetamol to kick in(there were no chairs left) haha! i reall should go to the doctor's about it as it happens every month but i dont know how to book an appointment and i dont wanna bring it up with my mum. She's way to busy/stressed with work at the moment.

It's almost 9 now. 3 hours to go... most of my friends will be partying right now. I'm not there cos 1. i wasnt originally invited adn though most of my friends asked if they could go, i dont have the nerve and was convinced that he'd say No as he is already way over the limit.
2. I dont really enjoy the parties much so i wouldn't have that much fun anyway(yes...it's true. i'm trying to convince myself too.
3. My brother will be there and how can i have any fun with him standing over my shoulder?

I must say Grace did annoy me ever so slightly yesterday. She asked Andy if she could go and he'd said Yes. She didnt shut up about it at all while we were in town and was all like 'hmmmm....i dont knwo which party to go to. Andy's or my brother's friends one(wtf?) Oh No! i'm so popular' ok she didnt say she was 'so popular' but that was whta she was trying to make it sound like. But i suppose it's just human nature/teenage nature. After all, i would probably be doing the same so i wont hold it against her.

OH, before i forget. Christmas was good this year. Got a Zen Vision:M mp4 player. It's amazing andi'm totally in love with it. I was kinda spoilt this year:P got some new clothes, mahjongg set( it's a good game : D ), weather DVD's new dressign gown. and whsmith/waterstone's vouchers some of which went towards Wicked (the book which inspired the broadway show)Has a good time overall. Spent the morning playing on my cousin's Wii. Of course, at the end i got the usual sadness cos it's all over and what not.

I'm back at school on Wednesday and i'm lookign forward to it. It's a bit boring staying at home and i want to have something to do. On thursday i have to go to an awards evening. I've won something but dont know what yet. Not really looking forward to it. I went last year aswell. All you do is sit there for ages, then have to go up and collect your award, which is amzingly embarrassing as i'm very shy and dont enjoy going up on stage in front of shit loads of people!

Anyway, Happy new year to all!